What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
(Pick up a sugar packet off the floor) Uh, miss? I think you dropped your name tag.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
What do you call a thirsty bee?
Beehydrated
I came here looking for a little tail.
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
My wife won a large ceramic pot
She definitely urned it.
You set my heart bonfire.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
I like you cherry much.
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Why shouldn't you shoot pool using a pickle?
Because you'll find the cue cumbersome.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
“There are only two seasons – winter and Baseball.” – Bill Veeck
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!
Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!
...
People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!
(Charles E. Carryl)
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.