A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Are those Guess jeans? Because guess who wants to get into them.
Colors laugh by saying, "Hue Hue Hue."
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
“Did you know the actual difference between hill and hell is just a fine line?”
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
I used to get so mad when my kitchen appliances leaked
now it's just water under the fridge
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
“I gotta warn ya, every man I’ve ever gone out with has been ruined.”
“Well, that’s what they get for messing with my girl.”
- Bugsy (1991)
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
What do you call a window that raps? 2PANEZ
While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
I like you cherry much.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
I've started a new band called "Blanket".
We're a cover band
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.