I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
I was gonna walk barefoot through the yard.
But that would cause an ecological crisis.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
"I know your feet must be tired because you've been running through my mind all day!"
- Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
“Money isn’t the most important thing in life, but it’s reasonably close to oxygen on the “gotta have it” scale." ~Zig Ziglar
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
A potato gave a gift to his girlfriend.She said, “Aww, why are you so sweet? ”He said, “It’s just the
way I yam.”
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.