We’ve reached the pint of no return.
I was just curious? Are you as good as all the guys say you are?
Grandpa died because we couldn’t figure out his blood type.
At least he told us to be positive.
“All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Worm!
Worm who?
Worm to meet you!
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
Why did the mouse eat a candle? For some light refreshment!
I'd rather live my whole life assuming there is a God, only to find out that there isn't, than to live my whole life assuming there isn't a God, only to find out there is. -- Peter Barry
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
Why did the geologist take his girlfriend to the quarry? He wanted to get a little boulder. How did the geology student drown? His grades were below C-level
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Were you forged by Sauron? Because baby, you're precious.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
A prisoner was released from jail, he shouted "Yay I'm free I'm free!" A little boy yelled "So what I'm 4 I'm 4!"
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
“I really don’t play well with others on a Monday. Can I skip today and just start again with Tuesday?”
How do rainbows sleep? In forty pinks.
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Who needs a map when one can Rome freely in your beautiful eyes?
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Which color is a zebra's base color? The debate is endless, and there is no clear answer.
It both is and isn't a black-and-white issue.
He threw three free throws.