Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.
What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Cutest clover in the patch.
“When you’re young, you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.” – Dave Attell
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
Why was the burger sad after losing the race? Because the hotdog was the weiner.
Girl you are rocking this run.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
"My cat doesn't like you."
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
"Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass." - Mac MacGuff in Juno
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What keeps the beat in a baseball song?
The bass line.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does."
KFC have hired geneticists to edit chicken DNA
Apparently they want something CRISPR.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody b*****s,
Then they get a slap.
(Jessica Miles)
Which basketball team is the favorite at the North Pole?
The New York Old Saint Knicks.
"Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. It makes it feel needed."
Charles Schulz
Gold riddance.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
"Men do not quit playing because they grow old—they grow old because they quit playing." - Oliver Wendell Holmes
You must be vaporizing from a solid-state because I think you are absolutely sublime.
What's a bee's favorite hairstyle?
A buzz cut.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
I’m rooting for you!
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” - Tim Allen