If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
What vehicle does T-Rex use to go from planet to planet? A Dinosaucer
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
I shot the city sheriff.
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Irish I may, Irish I might.
Do you play soccer? Because I think I'm gonna score tonight.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
What is a cat’s favorite type of bird? An e-mew!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
Roses are red. Bromothymol is blue. My love for you doesn’t have an endpoint.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Dad: "Knock, knock!"
Kid: "Who's there?"
Dad: Spell!
Kid: Spell who?
Dad: W... H... O...
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
I’m Hazel-nuts about you
What is a car’s favourite element?
Carbon.
Is your nickname Mercury? Cause you look habitable.
A blond rings up an airline. She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?" The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..." The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis