What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

How many mosquito's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only 2, no idea how they got there.

“Remember not to leave a fire burning in your fireplace this Christmas Eve, or else you might wake up to a Crisp Kringle.”

Why didn’t the skeleton play football?
His heart wasn’t in it.

What Beatles song charted highest in Italy?
Penne Lane.

“My mind says ‘abs’ but my heart says ‘cheese fries’.”
― Unknown

What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Gold riddance.

Do you know hop? Because your body is really kickin'.

What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.

What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets?
So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.

What happened when the kitten turned one? She had a birthday paw-ty.

Why do thespians have great hair? They want the perfect part.

Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell."

- Joan Crawford

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

What is a dog’s ideal job?
A barkeologist.

Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.

What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.

Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.

“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy

What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.

If snowmen can’t ride bicycles, tricycles, or unicycles, what can they ride?
Icicles!

Baby, I'm a dependent clause, and all I need is you.

What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!

What is the color of the wind? Blew!

Mmm, these honey samples are so mouthwatering.

Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?

Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.

Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”

I'll light your fire for you if you want!

We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.

What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

Where did the hamsters invade the beaver colony? Hamsterdam.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.

Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.