It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
How could I dance with another. When I saw you standing there.
Why didnt the moon have any more to eat.
Becuase it was full
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
You shamrock my world.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Books are my kind of texts.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
What do you call a womanising chocolate? A cad-bury.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
Why shouldn't you feed elves shellfish?
It makes them crabby!
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
French, French Revolution
Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store? He was looking for the holiday spirit.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
In the mushroom bus, one mushroom said to the other, "Please scoot over, there is not mush room."
“I couldn’t help but notice that you look a lot like my next girlfriend.”
- Will Smith, Hitch (2005)