“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”—Rick Riordan, The Red Pyramid

There was a Young Lady whose bonnet,
Came untied when the birds sate upon it;
But she said: 'I don't care!
All the birds in the air
Are welcome to sit on my bonnet!'

Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.

"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon

People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.

Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!

The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.

Why did the tricycle not hang out with the bicycles?
It felt like a third wheel

Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd

Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!

Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.

Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.

Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.

“How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?”

- Michael, ‘Three Men And A Baby.’

Mother doesn’t want a dog.
Mother says they smell,
And never sit when you say sit,
Or even when you yell.
When you come home late at night
And there is ice and snow,
You have to go back ou because
The dumb dog has to go.
Mother doesn’t wat a dog.
Mother says they shed,
And always let the strangers in
And bark at friends instead
They do disgraceful things on rugs,
And track mud on the floor,
And flop upon your bed at night
And snore their doggy snore.
Mother doesn’t want a dog.
She’s making a mistake.
Because, more than a dog, I think
She will not want this snake.

(Judith Viorst)

What do you call Tyrannosaurus rex when it wears a cowboy hat and boots ? Tyrannosaurus tex!

My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

What cheese do vampires eat?
Munster.

"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)

What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief

What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered

“Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.”
― Erma Bombeck

My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"

If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'

Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.

Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.

What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”

I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.

My grandpa used to cut the grass before he died
but he has been lawn gone.

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions?
I haven’t seen you in light years.

What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!

I stretched out my hamstrings, but every time I see you, I feel a tug at my heartstrings

What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.

You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.

Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.

What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.

Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.

Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman