Why did the cookie cry? Because his mother was a wafer so long! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
An Australian chess player went into a restaurant and ordered food. After having his food , the waiter asked him "Cash or Credit , Sir?"
He said "Cheque , mate."
Crabgrass in my lawn is always fighting to prevent good grass seed from rooting...
Guess you could say I'm caught in the middle of a turf war
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Why didn’t the bicycle cross the road?
Because it was two tired!
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
You can pick your friends or you can pick your nose...
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
It was mitten in the stars.
What did the teenage horse say when her phone broke?
I canter even.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why do dogs hate computers?
They can’t stick their heads out of those Windows.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
I'm an endurance athlete. Think you can stand the HIIT?
What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
“For every tax problem, there is a solution which is straightforward, uncomplicated-and wrong.”
I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.