Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.
Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.
I was at a bar and heard a band playing a Queen cover. I asked them what the name of their band was. They are called the Champignons my friend.
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
Those aren't sugar plums dancing through my head, it's all you.
Don't you just hate it when it's 212 degrees outside? It really just makes my blood boil.
Ghosts make the best cheerleaders. They have lots of spirit!
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
If Corona virus is just a beer virus..
Then it’s just a yeast infection!
“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Rudder valve reversals
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.