What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What do fish and women have in common? They both stop shaking their tale after you catch them!
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.
Which city do hamsters live in?
Hamsterdam.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Some pink birds can be really rude. I approached a group of them the other day and they screamed “Flamingo away!”
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
How does a turtle feel after being electrocuted?
Shell-shocked.
Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?
What did the duck say when he dropped the dishes?
“I hope I didn’t quack any.”
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
My dad argued with a stove
The conversation really started to heat up
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities." - Dr. Seuss
"I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~ Fran Lebowitz
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
You’ve been working too yard.
You must be a geologist because you rock my world.
Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.