I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
How hot does your gas oven get?
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Have you ever been fishing before? I think we should hook up!
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll let you take the last stuffed crust frozen pizza if you let me take you to dinner. At your house. Where we’ll be having frozen pizza.
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I think we Anthon-eed to get to know each other soon
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty
We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash
The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs
Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape
But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.
- Paul Curtis
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Let’s have high tea & fall in love sometime. You can be my little biscuit.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
“I believe someone made a grievous mistake when summer was created; no novitiate or god in their right mind would make a season akin to hell on purpose. Someone should be fired.”
― Michelle Franklin