What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.

Have you heard the joke about the giraffe’s neck?
Let me warn you, it’s a long one.

All stereos are so typical.

Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.

What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.

My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back

What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?

What type of trunks do foresters wear to the swimming pool?
Tree trunks!

I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.

What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.

Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest

What is the king’s favorite type of precipitation?
Hail, of course!

What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!

Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.

Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.

“The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.” – @ramblinma

I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.

Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.

Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.

What did the astronaut’s fiancé say when he proposed to her in open outer space? She said, “I can’t breathe!”

"The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again."
Erma Bombeck

“Why do people say they wish every day was Friday? If it was always Friday, we’d be here every freakin’ day.” — Ed Bernard

I told my wife that I saw a sheep pondering its place in the world.
She asked me, “Can ewe even imagine?”

What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.

I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.

Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.

What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!

What was the worst crime in the tree kingdom? Tree-son.

The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!

How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!

Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.

Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic

What do ghosts and monsters drink after scaring people?
Ghoul-Aid.

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.

Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.

"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.

Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.

Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!

What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!

Can I also deposit my number into your phone?

What did the bowling pins do?
They went on strike.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.

How does a werewolf make bechamel sauce?
They start with a rooooooooouuuuuuuux.

“God in his wisdom made the fly, And then forgot to tell us why.”

- Ogden Nash.