Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!

What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.

So I went to France and bought a house made of bread
I guess you could say I'm living in pain.

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"

What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.

How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.

What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.

What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.

What kind of music would planets prefer to hear? NepTUNEs.

Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.

The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."

What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.

There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

“You’re always with yourself, so you might as well enjoy the company.”
– Diane Von Furstenberg

What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.

What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.

What would you call a singer who's really scared of medusa?
A rockstar.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.

If you live in a purple-colored house and suddenly all the power goes off, then you should probably check the fuchsia box.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"

One fundamental lesson our teacher has taught us in History class while talking about the Civil War was never to take victory for Grant-ed.

How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.

We have great chemis-tree.

The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.

Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.

"Sweet Tooth Andy"

Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.

– Denise Rodgers

Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.

I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.

What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.

My psychiatrist sent me for an MRI because she thinks I have a magnetic personality.

Snow thank you.

Did you expect to laugh at puns?
No, but they've groan on me!

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.”
George Carlin

You’re right up my alley.

Why do golfers hate cake?
Because they might get a slice.

It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”

Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.

My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.

“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan

“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan

Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.

Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.

"The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."
— Calvin Trillin