Do baseball players ever wear armor?
Only during knight games.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Why did the castle keep swearing?
It had turrets.
You are un-beer-lievable!
Why do flowers always drive so fast?
They put the petal to the metal.
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams
I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
4G, or not 4G, that is the question.
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
My band only plays dog whistles.
You've probably never heard us.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
"Humor is reason gone mad."
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why do computers make such bad boxers?
Their bark is worse than their byte.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
I'm reading a book about a sadistic evil man who attaches ridges from boat hulls to his victims.
He's a mad keeler.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
I am a mean green machine.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I was under the blues, so I had to blue my nose occasionally.