Me: I'll have a Corona please.

Waiter: *Cough*

Me: Thank you.

“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”

- Anthony Anderson

My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.

I did a good deed today by giving up my seat on the bus to an elderly lady...
How was I supposed to know she’d never driven a bus before?

I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.

Q; What’s the difference between origami and grandpa passing wind?
A: One is the art of the fold, the other, the fart of the old.

“Yoga is almost like music in a way; there’s no end to it.” — Sting

Orange you excited for Halloween?

My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.

Q. What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A. A walkie talkie!

“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.

I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.

You’re a perfect ten(t).

"There's a woman trapped under a motorway bridge in Italy."
"Genoa?"
"I'm not sure, I can't see her face."

What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

What’s another popular Christmas song that baby koalas like to sing? “Joey to the World”, of course!

You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.

Just shooting my shot here, because you look so good. Hope it lands, but I guess Wesley..

I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.

How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.

What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.

The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.

Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.

What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

How do you know Frankenstein is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr. Awkward.

"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel

Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones

What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.

I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.

He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.

"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox

My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."

"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous

What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.