What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
You’re Isaacly my type
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
You used to call me on my cell-ery phone.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Beauty is only pig skin deep
I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra... It was a booby trap.
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
Sip, sip, horray!
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.
I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
What did one brain say to another?
I lobe you.
What does a zombie say as he squishes your brains between his fingers?
Got your knows.
Why did the Easter Bunny have to leave school?
He was eggspelled.
Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
Time to spruce things up.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Were you forged in the fires of Mount Doom? Because you're precious to me.
"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.
It was the pizza de resistance.
What do you call a panda who’s lost his dinner?
Bamboozled.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Hey there cyclist, is that your kickstand, or are you just happy to see me?
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.