What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
What do you call a magician that lost his magic?
Ian.
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
What is considered the tallest building in the world?
The library, because it has so many stories.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Why did the chicken cross the road? It was playing crossy road.
19 and 20 got into a fight.
21.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Choose any number between 2 and 7. Multiply by 4 and add 3. Now reverse the digits and close your eyes.
Dark, isn’t it?
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
How does a suit put his child into bed?
He tux him in.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
A bunch of vampire hunters needed to talk
So they scheduled a stakeholders meeting.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!