What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E
What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?
I'm a cashew!
A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"Yea but that would make no sense." replied the dog.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer!
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!
Why did the two 4's skip lunch? They already 8 (ate).
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
What did the pink panther say when he stepped on the ant? A. deadant deadant deadant deadant.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
Did you hear about the circus fire? Yeah, it was in'tents'.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
What do you get when you cross Speedy Gonzales with a country singer? Arriba McEntire.
When I was young there were only 25 letters in the Alphabet. Nobody new why.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
Why didn't the 11 year old go to the pirate movie? because it was rated arrrrr!
Who do fish always know how much they weigh? Because they have their own scales.
What do you call a crushed angle? a rectangle