What runs but doesn't get anywhere? A refrigerator.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
What did the hamburger name his daughter? Patty!
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What do you call a book that's about the brain? A mind reader.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? An offer you can't understand.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
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Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
Where do boats go when they get sick? The dock
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
Who goes to the bathroom in the middle of a party? A party pooper.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?
Address
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies? a garbage truck.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
What stays on the ground but never gets dirty? Shadow.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets jalapeno business!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
What goes up when the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
What kind of flower doesn't sleep at night? The Day-zzz
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent? Show me the honey!
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry