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Christmas Pick Up Lines

Christmas pick up lines that will get you under the misteltoe

An Inappropriate Girth Remark
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark. A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark. Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"
The Pirate and the Hook
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!" "What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," says the pirate... "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really." " Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands." "Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really." "Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes." "Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poop!" "Well," says the pirate sadly, "I wasn't really used to the hook yet..."
Before the Pearly Gates
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun: "Adam and Eve." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Peter: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?" 2nd nun: "An apple." The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Peter: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed...
How to Improve Your Life
As a boat docked into a tiny seaside village, a visiting businessman complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them. "Not very long," answered the fisherman. "But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the businessman. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family. The businessman asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life." The businessman interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat." "And after that?" asked the fisherman. "With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise." "How long would that take?" asked the fisherman. "Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the businessman. "And after that?" "Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the businessman, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!" "Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman. "After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends!"
The Cheapest Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
An act of kindness
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. She screamed at him: "You're a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I'm your faithful wife!" She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: "Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!" "Fine!" sobbed the angry wife, "but they will be your LAST words to me!" "Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home. She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening. Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don't wear because the colors don't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair. Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, "Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn't use anymore?"
The Rabbi, Holy Man and the Lawyer
Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory." With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood... The pig and the cow.
How Congress Truly Works
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job. Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies. Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports. Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position, then hired two people for the roles. Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: An Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary. Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back on overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.
This Nun Needs Help
A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city's problems. Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!" The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..." "Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?" "Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips." "Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?" "Well, I really don't know ..." "I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person." "Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me." "Well let's go inside and settle this" "No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it." "You're on!" said the guy. The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please" The bartender sighed and said, "Is that darn "nun" out there again!?!"
A Load of Bulls
A couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon, and watches the auctioning off of bulls for stud. The man selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year." The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: "See! That was 5 times a month!" The second bull is to be sold: "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year." Again the wife bugs her husband: "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison... The third bull is up for sale: "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!" The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: "Sure, but why don't you ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow?!?"
The Bear and the Atheist
A photographer, who was also a confirmed atheist, decided to go into the woods to capture photos of the fall foliage. It was a beautiful day: fall colors, birds chirping, a babbling brook, and a gentle breeze rustling the leaves. While snapping shots, the photographer heard a noise behind him and whirled around to see a huge bear coming through the bushes. He dropped his camera and ran. And kept running and running... And looking behind him, he noticed the bear was gaining on him! He was so scared that tears came to his eyes. He ran faster, but the bear was closing in on him. He ran faster yet and tripped over a root. Rolling over onto his back, the man saw the bear rise to his full height and raise a huge paw... and the atheist cried out, "Oh, God, no!" And everything stopped. The birds stopped chirping. The brook stopped babbling. The gentle breeze stopped. And the bear froze with his paw in the air. And the man heard a booming voice say, "Young man. For years you've doubted my very existence, but now that your life is in peril you call my name to help you. Why should I do so?" And the man thought for a moment, and said, "Yes, you are right. If you are God, then it would be hypocritical of me to become a Christian at this point in my life. But, do you think that you could at least make the bear a Christian for today?" And the booming voice was quiet for a moment and then said, "Done." And everything started again. The birds chirping, brook babbling, and gentle breeze rustling the leaves. And the bear slowly lowered his paw. Then the bear put his paws together, and bowed his massive head and said, "Dear Lord, please bless this food we are about to eat."
The Husband Test
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she was tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting with someone. "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then I will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and I had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. Through teary and bleary eyes, she read: I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy some bread."
Advice from the Pope
Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him. Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said: "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!" The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross and said: "Moishe, would you look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"
You're in Trouble Now...
After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the money?" The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the gangster: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' 'He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger.'
Backseat Cook
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in... Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!" The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter. You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!" The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs. "WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!" The wife runs to the fridge. "CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DARN EGGS" At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do. She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs!" The husband simply smiles, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like to be driving with you in the car."
There's a New Bull in Town
Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch. First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows." Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows." Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp. First Bull: "Ahhhh... actually I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend." Second Bull: "I.. I have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few." They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting. First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish - let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a BULL."
The Unexpected Guest
A man returned home a day early from a business trip. It was after midnight. While en-route home he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he wanted to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man! The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, 'Don't do it ! I lied when I told you I inherited money: HE paid for the Porsche I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your football season tickets. HE paid for our house on the lake. HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!' Shaking his head in amazement, the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cabby and said, 'What would you do?' The cabby replied, 'Me? I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold!!'
3 Old Ladies and the Flasher
Three old ladies, Gertrude, Maude and Tilly, were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation. Suddenly, a handsome young man dressed only in a trench coat approached them from across the park. He was holding his coat together with his hands and didn't seem to be wearing anything underneath it. The young man came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat in one quick motion. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Seeing her friend's reaction, Maude also had a stroke. But Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble then her friends, couldn't quite reach that far...
The Wrong Answer
Mr. Jacobs, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Arnold, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Arnold gasped, then said coldly, "Mr. Jacobs, I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!" With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Jacobs called on Miss Jones, another student, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with composure, replied: "That would be the pupil of the eye, under conditions of dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Jacobs. "And now, Miss Arnold, I have three things to say to you: One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three... you will someday be faced with dreadful disappointment."
Jesus is Watching You
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. And when he picked up a jewelry box to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying: "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables. After just a few seconds, clear as a bell, he heard: "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" Suddenly, he felt a giant shadow materializing behind him. It was growling. "The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus." said the parrot.
The Italian Loaves
Hi there. I’m Bob. I’m 80. Every morning, I sit on the same park bench and chat to my friend, Jim, who’s a full seven years older than me. I’ve always wondered where he gets all his stamina from – he goes for a jog each day without fail, before meeting me. And, amazingly, he’s never out of breath. One fine day, I plucked up the courage to ask him: “Hey Jim, how on earth do you have all that stamina at your age?” "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies,” Jim replied. Intrigued, I decided to visit the local bakery on my way home to find myself some Italian bread and hopefully get a vitality boost. As I looked around while trying to ensure that no-one caught on to what I was doing, the lady asked me if I needed any help. “Do you have any Italian bread?” I asked sheepishly. "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" "I want five loaves." “My goodness, five loaves?” she exclaimed. “By the time you get to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard." I left as fast as my old legs could carry me!
The Mistress, the Fiancé and the Wife...
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, were chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days, they met up for lunch and compared notes. The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and, a mask. He saw me and said: 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long." The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but we had wild fun all night!" The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home. I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said: 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
For the Family
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat at the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and ordered three more. The bartender approached and told him: "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replied: "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admitted that this was a fine tradition, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same way: He ordered three pints and drank them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars took notice and fell silent. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looked quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawned and he laughed. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explained. "It's just that my wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."
Pray For Me, Father
Following the events of the previous week, Larry knew he was going to have a very big problem with his hearing, so he decides to go to the revival meeting to see if the preacher there could give him a hand with it. When he arrives, Larry sits down quietly and waits until the preacher asks the congregation if anyone needs his assistance through prayer. The old man raises his hand, and the preacher motions for him to come over and queue up with the other people who are in need of some divine assistance. He patiently waits his turn, until he’s up next. The preacher asks him: "Larry, what do you want me to pray about for you?" "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.” he replies. The preacher puts one finger in Larry's ear and places his other hand on top of Larry's head. He prays for what seems like an eternity, totally committed to ensuring Larry doesn’t have any further problems with his hearing. After he prayed for him sufficiently, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked Larry: "Larry, how is your hearing now?" "I don't know, Reverend, it's not until next Wednesday."
The Classy Nursing Home...
With their ailing mother needing constant medical supervision, a family decided to bring her to a very expensive and caring nursing home for a day to try it out. The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay but after a while she slowly started to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her out. Again, she seemed okay but after a while she started to tilt to the other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning, with the dedicated nurses making sure the old woman didn't fall. Later, the family arrived to see how she was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they asked. "It’s very nice," she replied. "Except they won’t let you fart."
A Final Word of Advice
The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die." She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said: "Don't sell that cow".
The Hit List
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers: "God bless mommy, daddy and granny. Goodbye grandpa." The father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the grandfather died. A month later the father heard his son saying prayers again: "God bless mommy. God bless daddy. Goodbye granny." The next day the grandmother died. The father was getting more than a little worried about the whole situation. One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God bless mommy. Goodbye daddy." This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
The Supportive Wife
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security. After waiting in line for a long time, he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So he opened his shirt, revealing lots of silver, curly hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” And she processed his social security application. When he got home, the man excitedly told his wife about his experience at the social security office. She sniffed at him, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”
The Secret to a Happy Marriage
A traveler once visited a small village in the countryside. At the local bar, someone asked him if he was married. "I'm divorced, actually. Never could find a woman I didn't end up fighting with all the time," he replied. The local man said: "Then you should go talk to the old couple that lives on the hill outside the village. Rumor has it that they've been married over 60 years and they've never fought this whole time." "What?? That's impossible! Everyone has fights!" Exclaimed the traveler. But the local swore to him it was the truth and nothing but. The traveler just had to check it out, and in the morning he knocked on the door of the little house on the hill and was immediately welcomed by the husband, who invited him in for tea. After the traveler explained why he came to see him, the man smiled and nodded. "It's true. We never fight." "PLEASE," begged the traveler, "can you tell me your secret?" "Well," said the old man, "it all started about 60 years ago, right after the wedding. We were riding our mule back to town and walking it down the street when it tripped over a stone and my wife said to him: 'That's one.' "We kept riding and he tripped again on another stone, which made my wife immediately say: 'That's two.' "Two minutes later, the mule trips over a stone again. My wife said: 'That's three.' She pulled out a gun I never knew she had and shot it in the head without thinking twice! I was shocked and yelled at her: 'What the heck do you think you're doing? We needed that mule! Are you crazy?!' "My wife looked me straight in the eye and said: 'That's one.' "And we haven't had a fight since."
It's Very Simple, Young Man...
A biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. On the way home, he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store/ livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchase home. The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. In the parking lot, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a shortcut down this alley and be there in no time". The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
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