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Christmas Pick Up Lines

Christmas pick up lines that will get you under the misteltoe

First-Floor Temptation
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!" Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind." The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment. Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!" Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!" Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?" Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!" Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside. The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!" "Crap!" Jerry exclaims. "Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes." Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing. The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!" "I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
The Shlemiel and His Rabbi
A young shlemiel was having breakfast, but after smearing goosefat on his bread, he accidentally jogged it with his elbow, and it fell to the floor. Miraculously, it landed goosefat side UP! Now, everybody knows that when you drop a piece of smeared bread, it always lands goosefat side down. The shlemiel was amazed, so he tried it again. And again, it landed goosefat side up. Eight more times he tried it, and eight more times the miracle occurred. Excitedly, he ran to the rabbi and told him. The rabbi, stubborn and skeptical, refused to believe such nonsense. “Show me,” he demanded. The shlemiel dropped the bread once, twice, a dozen times, and each time it landed goosefat side up. The rabbi scowled. He stroked his beard, paced the room, and shook his head. After hours of watching, he finally declared: “This is no miracle. The explanation is simple.” The villagers asked, “Rabbi, how can that be? We all saw it!” The rabbi replied, “The boy, being a shlemiel, smeared the goosefat on the wrong side of the bread!"
A Lion in the Way
On an RAF station in East Africa in the early 1930s, the Station Commander somehow managed to get hold of a very elderly lion, nearly blind, with hardly a tooth in his head. He called it "Clarence", and with care and gentle management Clarence became quite friendly and rather a pet for everyone on the whole squadron. One morning a newly-arrived member of the squadron was going up for exercises and noticed the runway was blocked by a familiar-looking shape stretched out in a snooze halfway along it. He tried blipping the throttle a few times but the lion paid no attention, so after a while the pilot got down, jogged up to the animal and yelled "GET OUT OF THE WAY!", reinforcing it with the toe of his well-polished uniform shoe. The lion opened one eye blearily, gave him an offended look, then lumbered to its feet and slunk off into the long grass. Landing after half an hour of circuits and bumps, the pilot picked up the nearest phone and called the CO's office. "Sir," he complained, "I wish you'd keep that lion of yours under control. I had to shoo him off the runway before I could take off just now!" "What the hell are you blathering on about?" responded the CO. "Clarence has been napping under my desk all morning!"
The Magic Words
A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy. The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the little boy wants some juice, so he walks up to his teacher and asks for a juice box. The teacher says "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words. But the teacher gets upset, and calls the little boy's mother and asks her to come in. When the three of them are sitting in the room together, the teacher asks the mother; "Have you been teaching your son sarcasm?" "No," the mother says, "Why, what did he do?" "Well, he asked for a juicebox," said the teacher, "and I asked him to say the magic words, and instead of saying please, he said 'you're thin and you're beautiful.'"
On Laxative Time
A man suffers from terrible constipation, and decides to go to his doctor. After the man describes his sorrowful condition, the doctor decides to prescribe him a laxative. He grabs a paper and a pencil and starts doing some calculations. He asks the man, "How are you gonna go home?", to which the man replies "I'll walk." The doctor then tell him there's a public toilet just 10 minutes away. He takes into account the man's speed of walking, how near the toilet is, whether it may be occupied and so on. After carefully calculating something for a solid 15 minutes, he measures a precise amount of the laxative and asks the man to consume it in the clinic itself, and tells him to immediately leave for his home, and report back on the status of success later on. 30 minutes later, the man comes back to the doctor's office with a very uncomfortable expression on his face, and walking weirdly. He says "Doc, the laxative worked quite well, but... do you have 50 cents?''
The Woodcutter's Lost Axe
One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry. At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river. The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?” “No,” replied the woodcutter. The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” he asked. “No,” said the woodcutter. The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” “Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily. The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy. A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why. “My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter. The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime. “Is this your wife?” he asked. “Yes!” said the woodcutter. “You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious. “Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…” Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman...
Late Night Canine Advice
A woman's dog came in one day in heat and she was concerned about keeping it and her other dog separated. But she had a large house and believed that she could keep the two apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep that night, she heard growling sounds, and rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, unable to disengage (as frequently happens when dogs mate). Unable to separate them, perplexed as to what to do next, and although very late at night, she called her vet. "Yes?", he answered in a b grumpy voice. She proceeded to explain the situation to him. The vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I'll call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and withdraw". "Really, do you think that will work?" she asked. "Just worked for me."
A Cheater's Fate
A woman has an affair and cheats on her husband after years of happy marriage. Realizing her mistake, she starts praying to God. "Lord, I know what I did was wrong, but my marriage is the only thing that gives my life purpose and joy. Please, don't let my husband find out." Suddenly she hears a voice from above: "Okay my child, it will be, but on one condition: years from now, you will die by drowning." The woman hesitates at first but then responds, "Alright Lord, if it means he'll never find out, then so be it." The next years of her life are happy and wonderful. She starts a successful business and lives in comfort with her husband, however, she continues to cheat on him many times, having forgotten her conversation with God. One day she decides to book herself a vacation on a cruise ship. A few days into the voyage, a loud BOOM rocks the cruise ship, and it starts to sink. Suddenly remembering her agreement with God, she is struck with grief and begins frantically praying to God again: "God, you're not gonna drown an entire cruise ship full of people because of me, right?" She hears a familiar voice: "Are you kidding me? I've been working to gather all you cheaters here for years."
The Outhouse Problem
Ma and Pa were two old folks living out on a farm up in the hills last century. Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.” So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him, “Mr. College grajute, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.” The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.” Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole. Pa races to the outhouse throws open the door and asks, “Ma, are you all right?” As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Canadian Girls in Australia
A couple of pretty gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow. They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink. Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask those pretty ladies over to join us?" "My pleasure!" Hos buddy says and walks over to them saying, "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?" One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!" He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away. He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?" His friend replies "Nah. They don't speak any English."
Dad's Crushing Comeback
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring. Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?” Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied: “Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”
Supply and Demand
A short guy was walking in a hookers street. Everybody could see he was very shy. He saw a nice-looking hooker sitting on a stool, so he stopped and looked at her with interest. She noticed his lack of confidence, obviously because he was too short, so she told him, "Don't worry, mine fits all sizes." So the guy smiled and asked her, "How much?" She replied, "For you it'll be $90." So he gave her the money, took the stool, and left.
A Grave Error
His wife having passed away an Englishman went to the local monumental mason in order to acquire a suitable headstone in time for the funeral. The mason asked for suggestions regarding a suitable inscription. The customer considered the problem and decided that, as his late wife had been quite religious, name, dates etc. and “She was thine” would be suitable. He agreed to return in two days and paid extra for the master’s rapid service. When he came back he was shown the stone by the apprentice mason and examined it. He demanded to see the master and complained that the stone had obviously been prepared by the apprentice. “How can you tell” he was asked. “ Look at it man, it says” “She was THIN” “THIN!” “He’s only gone and forgotten the e”! The mason apologized profusely and said it can be fixed by that very afternoon if the customer would return then. Well, when he returned to look at the work he went into an absolute rage and shouted at the master that he must have given this important task to the apprentice again. “How can you tell” asked the master. “Well”, raved the customer, “now it says” “Eeee, she was thin”.
Take it Back!
A man walks into Home Depot and tells one of the employees that he wants to buy an electric saw to cut down trees. The employee says "I got just what you need! Look at this beauty, it can cut down 100 trees a day!" The guy likes it, buys it and goes home. The next week the same guy comes back to Home Depot with an angry face and tells the employee "This electric saw is terrible! I could only cut down 50 trees a day!" The employee answers "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. Look, we got an even better option, this new electric saw that can cut 200 trees a day!" The man's face lights up, he returns the old electric saw and buys the new one. One week after he comes back with an even angrier face and demands the employee: "You told me I could cut down 200 trees with this saw, but I can only cut down 100! I want my money back!" The employee apologizes, "I am truly sorry to hear that. Look, we just got this brand new, state-of-the-art electric saw that can cut 400 trees a day!" Again, the guy returns the old saw and happily buys the new one. One week passes and the guy storms into Home Depot. He yells "I am fed up! No matter what I did, I could only cut down 200 trees a day!" The employee says, "OK sir, let me have a look at the saw." The employee takes the saw, and cranks it up. The sound of the motor can be heard throughout the whole store. The guy looks at the employee with disbelief and asks, "What the hell is that sound?!?"
Framed for Success
An attorney called and asked to speak to his client, a wealthy art collector. He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right." Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”
Dream Job Trouble
While still lying in bed, the wife turned to her husband, and said, "Maybe you shouldn't go to work today." "What do you mean? Why shouldn't I go to work today?" replied the confused husband. "I think you've been working too hard, so maybe instead of going to the office, you should take a few days off, pack a suitcase, and go stay with a friend for a few days away from home to straighten yourself out." The husband thought for a moment and decided to jump at the suggestion before it was forgotten. Within moments, he was up, dressed, and started packing clothes into a bag. "Just out of curiosity," the husband asked while getting ready, "how did you come to the conclusion that I've been working so hard that I need a break?" "You were dreaming about your work all night," the wife answered. "Really? How do you know I was having dreams about work?" he asked. "Because every 2 minutes you were telling your secretary to go faster."
The Angry Stutterer
A huge, muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at, points in a direction and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "Ju-ju-jus-jus-just te-tell me, w-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered. A customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asks the clerk, "Wow he's pissed. Why wouldn't you answer his question?" The clerk replies, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
Stand or Sit?
In a small Jewish community, there was a problem: should people stand or sit when reciting the prayers? Every time they got to the prayers, half the people stood and the other half sat. The ones standing would shout, “Stand up! Stand up!” The ones sitting would shout, “Sit down! Sit down!” And the prayer would always end in chaos and argument. Realizing they couldn’t go on like this, they went to a great rabbi and asked him, “Are we supposed to stand or sit during the Kaddish?” The rabbi looked into the sources and authorities, and ruled: “There’s no biblical requirement—it depends on the custom of your community.” “But how can we know what the community's tradition was?” they asked. “Ask one of the founders of your community,” the rabbi replied. “See what they did back then.” So the congregation found a 90-year-old man, one of the original members of the community who no longer came to services, and they sent a delegation from both sides to ask him. “Are we supposed to stand?” asked the standers. “No!” said the old man. “That was not the community tradition!” The sitters beamed. “So we’re supposed to sit?” “No!” the old man answered again. “That wasn’t the custom either!” “So what is the custom?” the delegation asked. “Well,” said the old man, “what’s happening now is that half of you stand, half of you sit, the standers yell ‘Stand up! Stand up!’, the sitters yell ‘Sit down! Sit down!’, and the prayer ends in a mess and a big fight!” His face lit up. “THAT is our custom!"
Fish and Weddings
Two old friends went on a fishing trip and used the time away from home to complain about their wives. "Tell me something," one of them asked, "how come every year I forget my wedding anniversary, but my wife always remembers—and then gets mad at me?" "That's actually very easy to explain," the other replied. "Remember that summer before you got married? We went on a trip, and you caught the biggest fish of your life?" "Of course I do!" said the first. "How could I ever forget landing a catch like that?" "Well," said his friend, "just like in your case—trust me—the fish doesn’t remember a thing!"
You Gotta Get an Elephant
Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: "So, how's your home life?" The other answers: "Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!" The other guy looks at him astonished: "An elephant? Have you gone mad?" The guy replies, smiling: "Oh, my friend, let me tell you, it's the best purchase in my life! He's grazing on the lawn, making it nice and even. Kids love him! Always riding his back and sliding down his trunk, keeps them outside instead of in front of the screen all day. My wife loves him too! He's super strong, helps her with moving things around when I'm not home. And let me tell you, the best thing is: it's kind and smart - the best pet I've ever had!" The other billionaire scratches his chin. "Yeah, that sounds... Kind of amazing actually! How much did you pay for him?" The guy replies: "A million bucks! Worth every penny, it's a steal at this price." The other billionaire says: "Sell him to me for two million?" The first billionaire: "No, what are you saying? Sell him? He's like family!" "Three million!" "I don't know, my dear... You really can't put a price on this kind of friendship and usefulness!" "Alright, five million!" "Five million?.. Well, alright my man, I'll sell him to you, but only because we're bosom buddies". In a few weeks the two billionaires meet up again. The guy who bought the elephant is angry as hell. As soon as he sees the other guy, he starts yelling: "What THE HELL did you sell to me?? Not only does he NOT graze the lawn, he completely destroyed all my greenery and trees! There's elephant dung EVERYWHERE, it smells even inside the house! And what was that about kids? They are TERRIFIED of the thing, it's aggressive and massive, and scary! I cannot sleep because he trumpets ALL THE TIME. My wife has been having nightmares, and now I won't hear the end of her bickering until I die! IT'S AWFUL, the worst purchase in my life!" The other billionaire shakes his head at him and says: "Well, my friend, I don't know what to say, you'll never sell an elephant with that attitude. "
Who Is It?
A man from the city was reporting for a job at a residential home and knocked on the door. The owner wasn't home, but his pet parrot was. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes." There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes.", said the man, starting to feel annoyed. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes...", said the man, starting to get a little angry. There was no answer, so he knocks again. "Who is it?", the parrot said. "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!", shouted the man, now quite furious. So furious in fact, that he suddenly had a heart attack and collapsed on the front stairs. The owners come home and are shocked to find a dead man on their steps. The wife says to the husband, "Well, who is it?" The parrot then replies, "It's the man from the gas company here to fix your pipes!"
The Camel Supply
A man arrives at the pearly gates and notices a group of rich people in expensive suits fighting over a needle. One guy yells, "It’s my turn!" while another in a black baseball cap jabs himself repeatedly, shouting, "Ow, ow, ow!" The man turns to St. Peter and asks, "What’s going on over there?" St. Peter sighs. "Oh, that’s just the world’s richest trying to get into heaven." Confused, the man points at the needle. "Okay… but what are they doing with that?" St. Peter shrugs. "You know Mark 10:25, right? 'Easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven'?" "Sure, but… where’s the camel?" St. Peter smirks. "We ran out. This seemed easier."
Little Johnny's Spelling
I invited my boss and her husband over for dinner and while we were eating she asked my son, Little Johnny, what he learned about in school that day. I said that we usually play a "four clues" game where we have to guess and she thought that would be fun. So Johnny gave his first clue: It's kind of round and covered with hair. That didn't narrow it down much so he went to his second clue: It can be full of liquid that you can access through a crack. Nobody had an idea yet, though knowing Johnny I was starting to get anxious. He gave his third clue: When mommy and daddy were unpacking and changing from a day at the beach I peeked into their room and saw that mommy had one and daddy didn't. Still no guesses from anyone but I was starting to panic. Johnny gave his final clue: It contains the letters , N, U, C and T. My wife saved my career when she quickly blurted out COCONUT!
A Very Specific Order
A man goes into a cafe and asks for breakfast done ‘my way.’ He says, "Can I get a full cooked breakfast, but I need it cooked my way?" "Can I have bacon that’s so burnt that it’s blackened like pieces of chiseled anthracite?" "Can I have sausages that are so rubbery that you could bounce them off the ground and they would hit the roof?" "Can I have all the shell broken up through my scrambled eggs so it tastes like an egg praline?" "Can I have the tomatoes, mushrooms, and beans so overcooked and watery that they just taste like greasy, congealed slime?" The man behind the counter says, "Don’t be ridiculous! You expect me to have the time to do all of that for you?" And the guy says, "You seemed to find the time yesterday."
The Forgotten Pillow Cases
A stingy old man was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you when you die.” After much thought, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the pillow cases full of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was to reach out and grab them on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral the deceased man’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, comes upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash. “Oh, that old fool,” she exclaims. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
The American Game
A man’s relatives from Mexico came to visit for the first time, and he wanted to give them a true American experience. He decided to take them to a football game. Unfortunately, by the time they got to the stadium, the only seats left were in the nosebleeds, partially blocked by a giant support column. The man was embarrassed. He apologized to his uncle and said, "I'm so sorry the seats aren’t better. We can hardly see the field from here." But his uncle waved him off and said, "Don’t worry about it! I’m just happy to be here." The game started, and the man noticed his uncle was incredibly cheerful, even more so than he expected. He clapped along, cheered loudly, and had a smile plastered across his face the entire time. After the game ended, the man couldn’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Uncle, I’m so glad you had a good time, but tell me, why were you so happy? We could barely see the game!” His uncle beamed and said, “Well, I was so touched by how nice everyone is in America! The entire stadium stood up and asked, ‘Jose, can you see?’
Step On It
Noah and Frank left a bar after a long night of drinking, jumped into Noah’s car and Noah started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. Frank screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" Noah sped up but the old man's face stayed in the window. Frank rolled his window down partway and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" Frank handed the old man a cigarette, yelled, "Step on it," to Noah and quickly rolled up the window. A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. Noah said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again," Frank yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. Frank threw a lighter out the window and said to Noah, "Step on it!" Noah floored it, and going about 100 miles an hour they tried to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping. "Oh my God! He's back!" Frank rolled down the window and screamed, "WHAT NOW?" The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
The Rome Trip
A young woman is travelling in Rome for the first time. Feeling a pull toward the grandeur of a beautiful cathedral, she decided to step in and admire the stained glass windows she had heard so much about. As she approached the entrance, a kindly but stern-looking priest emerged. "Excuse me, Miss," he said, raising a hand to stop her. "I’m afraid I can’t let you enter dressed like that." The young woman tilted her head in confusion. "Like what?" she asked. "My dress is modest." The priest hesitated, clearing his throat awkwardly. "Well, it's not the dress itself, it's just that you are not wearing a bra. I can't let you in like that." "Seriously?" Said the woman angrily, "I have a divine right!" "A divine left, too, Miss," the priest replied "but you still can’t come in."
A Leopard in England
A hiker, clearly shaken, enters a remote English village pub, his clothes all torn and he's full of scratches. "You won't believe this," he says to the bartender. "I was attacked by a leopard!" "Really?" "Yes! A leopard! In England!" The hiker sits down and orders the strongest liquor they've got. "I tried to run, but it was of course much faster than me." The hiker gets his glass, empties it, and asks for another. "It sent me to the ground with a mighty push from its paws, but weirdly enough it then just gave me a really sad look and left." "Ah, you met Father Andrews," the bartender says, matter-of-factly. "What do you mean?" asks the tourist, confused. "Father Andrews was our priest. A truly kind-hearted man, loved by all. His only goal in life was to serve his congregation as well as he could. So when he one day found a lamp with a genie, his very first wish was to be a loving shepherd to the community." "That's nice " "Absolutely, if only he hadn't been so prone to spoonerisms."
Haste is the Devil
God was giving out traits to Adam and Eve. He had two left and decided to ask their preference. He said, “So I have two things left for you both. The first is peeing while standing up…” Adam jumped up and said, “Me! Me! I want to pee standing up! Then I can just pee wherever I am standing. Oh, and I can write my name in the snow!” God said, “Are you sure you want it? I haven’t even said what the other trait is?” Adam said, “I don’t care. Peeing standing up is so cool, nothing can beat that!” God shrugged and asked, “Eve, are you ok with this?” Eve looked at how happy Adam was and shrugged herself. “It’s ok, I’m sure I’ll also be happy with whatever I get.” God nodded, “Yes. For you Eve, the last trait, then - Multiple orgasms.”
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