How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.
What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
How do you kill a blonde? Give her a gun and say it's a hair drier.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why did the blonde put sugar on her bed? Because she wanted sweet dreams!
Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? "Thanks for the refill!"
There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.