"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."
"I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it."
"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."