What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
My son asked me if we were related to any Egyptian Pharaohs.
I told him, unfortunately son we do not even have so much as a toot in common.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
If I had 5 dollars for every math test I have ever failed then I would have 37 dollars.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
You must be copper because I always cu in my dreams.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
Why did the pig want a divorce?
Her husband was a boar.
“May your coffee be strong and your Monday productive.”
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Why did the pre-pubescent dragon lose the rap battle?
He couldn't spit hot fire yet.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Don't give up at this stage, just keep cawing on, you will do great.
Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
You have been running through my mind all day.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What do they do when the fruit educator is sick? They bring in a substitute peacher.
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.