Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
You’re right up my alley.
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
Belize let me hold you.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Several years ago, I lost all my hair. Yes, I'm bald. But, I still keep my comb. I bring it with me everywhere still.
I just can't part with it.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Q: Why are cherries never lonely?
A: Because they hang around in bunches.
Why didn’t the koala bear get the job? He was underkoalafied. How did he fix this? By going back to koalage.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
Wear green, or leaf.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What do you call a group of brains who form a singing group at school?
A glia club.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
Why are Ghosts so lonely? They have nobody to lean on.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
I've taken up online yoga since the COVID-19 outbreak started.
It helps me namaste at home.
My dad told me he’s not gonna eat my deviled eggs this thanksgiving.
He told me they’re possessed.
Are you religious?
Because you're the answer to all my prayers.
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Why don’t rabbits get hot in the summertime? They have hare conditioning!
Vegans really have a beef with meat.