Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
If you ever have to defuse a bomb, never cut...
The Blew wire.
Seven slick slimey snakes slowly sliding southward.
"I'm so egg-cited, I just can't hide it."
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes." Lucille Ball
What kind of dog loves bubble baths?
A shampoodle.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
What do you get if you cut off Mona Lisa's ears?
MONO LISA.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Corona Beer sales falter amid Corona virus crisis...
Guess their viral marketing strategy failed.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
It was the pie piper who had led the strawberries to the bakery.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.
One trick peony.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
I heard Medusa looked really pretty.
In fact, her looks were stunning.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
I don’t play soccer but you’re my goal.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
"You make me egg-static."
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.