Filming in cemetery angers residents - The Evening Standard
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Because demons are a ghoul's best friend.
I used Brylcreem this morning to slick back my hair like my father used to do. My wife asked me what I was doing.
I said, "I'm having a dad hair day."
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
All the grasses were bumping into each other because the grass-light wasn't working in the streets.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
There was an Old Person of Philæ,
Whose conduct was scroobious and wily;
He rushed up a Palm,
When the weather was calm,
And observed all the ruins of Philæ.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”
- Cary Grant.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
Why didn’t the skeleton rob the bank?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
People say Frankenstein’s monster had a temper…
But actually he was surprisingly level-headed.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
A wind turbine saw a solar panel at an energy convention. He leaned in and shouted, Hey, I’m a big fan!”
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
An algae-bra.
"That was a howling adventure!" said the werewolf to the zombie.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Girl, are you a swimming cap? Because you’re always on my head.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.