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Guard Jokes

The Burglar and the Sad Guard
A burglar was sneaking into a museum, and he had to get past the guard on duty. As he snuck behind the guard, he couldn't help but notice the guard had his head in his hands, and he was crying. "I can't believe I've worked here for 10 years, and everyone has forgotten my birthday again!" He moaned. "Longer hours, more work, and no appreciation! I can't do this anymore!" The guard said to himself as he continued to sob. The burglar could easily sneak past, but found himself feeling bad for the guard. Instead of proceeding with his plan, the burglar's sympathy for the guard got the better of him. He marched right down to the museum curator's office and kicked in the door. There sat the director of the museum, the head of HR, and the head of security in a meeting. "What are you doing here? How did you get pass the guard?!?" shouted the museum director. "Gentlemen," said the burglar, "I'm afraid you've let your guard down."
Horse Puns
What did the guard say to stop the horse from escaping?
Halt-her!
One Liners for Kids
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Mall Pick Up Lines
I'm going to have to get a security guard because you're trying to steal my heart.
Train Puns
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
Airport Puns
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I am lucky to live in an airport, but whenever the guard comes out at night, Heathrows me out.
Medieval Puns
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
Gnome Puns
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
How the Army Secures a Building
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker among themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. For instance, Take the simple phrase “secure the building”. The Army will post guards around the place. The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors. The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters. The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.
Puns
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.