Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
Doctor: Are you aware of your sodium intake?
Me: Na.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.