“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.