What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
My husband Ronnald asked me what do monkeys wear when cooking.
I said, "an aperon".
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl...
I said I didn't even know he could play.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
The guests were already at the door and we realized we forgot to make dessert. As a last-minute resort, my wife took the skillet, spread some frosting on it and said,
"Pancake".
I’ve been experimenting with attaching various kitchen utensils to my power drill
I got mixed results.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
Why didn’t the cheese want to get sliced?
It had grater plans.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
I came home and found my wife naked, except for a porcelain mug on each breast.
She said she was a t-cup.
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.
I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...
But I cooked it in a minute flat.
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
My favorite restaurant started serving a superhero-themed skillet breakfast.
Turns out it was just The Flash in a pan.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
Why can't you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick.
Did you hear about the man who drowned in a bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a currant..
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.