I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
I ordered won ton for my large family today.
2000 lbs of soup goes a long way.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I caught my son chewing on an electrical cord...
So I had to ground him. He's conducting himself properly now.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
My friend said that he eats more than his brother.
I was more concerned by the fact that he eats his brother.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I failed my Calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I ran into my sibling while exploring the Sahara Desert.
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
Once a year, I take my family on a tour of various nuclear facilities.
While my kids like it, my wife says it’s just a power trip.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
My family is all worried about my addiction to dot to dot puzzles. It's OK though...
I know where to draw the line.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother,Broco Lee.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.