My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
My children got their good looks from their mother.
I kept mine.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the cell say when his sister stepped on his toe?
Mitosis!
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
My friend just found out she will be giving birth to twins in 9 months!
For now, they're just cell mates.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a philosopher?
An offer you can't understand.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives
I replied, no, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.
I was painting my room with my brother...
When I realised. He's not a very good brush.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What do you call a kid who wants to cannibalise his siblings?
A munchkin.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence