I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
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