Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What must a witty perfume have?
Scents of humor.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
My dad was fixing the basin in the bathroom and accidentally broke some tiles.
My mother said, "I told you that method would be fewtile".
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.