The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
The perfume was very cheap.
It's price was in cents.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
How do people take a dump when, well, nobody gives a s**t?
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
All farts...are laughing gas.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What did the clean DNA say to the dirty DNA?
Hygiene!
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen