My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Television is a medium,
Because anything well done is rare.
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
What's the opposite of a microwave?
A Tsunami.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
What TV show did the astronaut appear in?
Dancing with the stars.
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
I put some big, giant, large, massive, enormous, huge bread in the toaster.
I was making synonym toast.
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
The repair man said he thought he'd fixed the propane stoves, but he couldn't be quite sure.
After all, it involved a lot of gaswork.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
Apparently adding a fireplace to your home is the hot new trend...
...and chimney installations are through the roof!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
The sun is just a big space heater.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What powers an electric kettle?
Electrici-tea.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
My new toaster oven is a huge improvement for making lunch.
I used to eat unappetizing sandwiches but I quit cold turkey.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."