The sun is just a big space heater.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
What do you call a regular potato broadcasting sports?
A common tater.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
I saw an ad that read: “TV for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.” I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.
Why are teapots so expensive?
Because they make you pour!
Did you hear the one about the ice cube’s great escape from the freezer?
You could say it was a well thawed out plan.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Whoever named it a television ...
Should've called it a watching machine.
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws!
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
I feel uncomfortable next to my fridge
It's way too cool for me
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Always knock on the fridge before opening.
Just in case there is a salad dressing
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
A hand mixer started a speakeasy.
It was a wisk-y business.