I sold my cleaning equipment.
It was just collecting dust.
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
What do you get if you put kisses in a blender?
A Smoochie.
More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
I couldn't resist this flirty TV remote...
It was an instant turn on.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you make the vacuum cleaner.
Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
My friend had put some beans in the coffee grinder
After a few seconds I told him to stop. That's fine.
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.
It’s a real game changer
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
My wife said she'll leave me if I don't stop the laundry punsץ
So from today I'm detergent to be better.
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft?
A Duct-ape.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
I put some bread in the toaster this morning, but it never popped up again
I think it might be comatoast.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
What do you call laundry detergent on the top shelf?
High tide.
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
My favorite crime TV show has a duck as the main character.
He always quacks the case.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.