What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
What kind of crackers do firemen like in their soup? Firecrackers!
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Are you a virus? ‘Cause I think you’re taking control over my body.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
What does a drunkard's mouth and a shirt have in common?
They are both 100% cotton.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
Four types of weather were having a race. Sunny won gold, cloudy got silver, snowy picked up a bronze, and rainy won a precipitation award.
Do you have a map? I keep getting lost in your eyes.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.”—Sam Levenson
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.