My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.

One should always practice what they peach.

"Love is an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." - Jules Renard

I'm sorry I had an accident...
I slipped and fell right into your heart.

I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.

Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.

Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.

Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."

Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.

"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)

Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.

Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley

What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you.
The roses have wilted,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl is empty,
And so is your head.

Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!

I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.

I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.

My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.

"Oh, sweet child of wine."

If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.

I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.

Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.

Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.

We were all sturtled by the incoming news.

Who is a ghoul’s favorite family member?
Mummy!

How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.

Where did the computer go to dance? To a disc-o.

I’ve fallen in love- I don’t know why
I’ve fallen in love with a girl with one eye.

I knew from the start. It was plain to see
That this wonderful girl had an eye out for me

She’s charming and witty and jolly and jocular
Not what you’d expect from a girl who’s monocular.

Of eyes – at the moment – she hasn’t full quota
But that doesn’t change things for me one iota.

It must be quite difficult if you’re bereft.
If your left eye is gone and your right eye is left.

But she’s made up her mind. She’s made her decision.
She can see it quite clearly in 10/20 vision.

She’ll not leave me waiting, not left in the lurch
If she looks slightly sideways she’ll see me in church.

I’ll marry my true love who’s gentle and kind.
And thus prove to everyone that loves not quite blind.

(Andrew Jefferson)

I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch

"I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I’ve done my job." – Roseanne Barr

My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.

Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.

What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?
The Bogeyman.

I went to the Chinese buffet on crab leg night and ate my fill, but they kicked me out.
They said I was being too shellfish.

I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.

Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.

What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.