What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
Why did the kid pursue scuba diving?
Because all his grades are below C-level.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Resting Grinch face.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
On a Halloween night, long ago,
I went trick or treating with Margo;
We went as Jack and Jill,
And our pail we did fill,
Back in the city of Chicago.
“Behind every successful woman is a best friend giving her crazy ideas.”
— Unknown
What’s a cetacean’s favorite TV show?
Whale of Fortune.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Hey girl, are you a defibrillator? Cause you’re sending shocks straight to my heart.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
Driving a truck carrying cutlery is easy – as soon as you see the fork in the road, you know you’re there.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What is a werewolf’s favorite drink?
Moonshine.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Did you invent the airplane? Cause you seem Wright for me.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf