I checked the meat thermometer, and you’re officially one hot bird.
Are you the black line at the bottom of the pool? Cause I can’t tear my eyes away from you.
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
How come an owl turns his cell phone off at night? So he doesn't get any hooty calls.
"It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower, or vacuum cleaner." – Ben Bergor
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
How would you describe a pun about a pun?
They're pun-ishingly bad!
“There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.”
Anonymous
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Luke.
Luke who?
Luke through the the peep hole and find out.
Are you a brand new racing suit? Because you make me forget how to breathe.
"We must have a pie. Stress cannot exist in the presence of a pie."
– David Mamet
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
On a recent flight, my friend asked me, "If the door suddenly opens, you think we will fall out?
I said, "No, we will still be friends."
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
"Oh, I wanna dance with some bunny, with some bunny who loves me."
It’s a good thing I have my library card because I am totally checking you out.
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
"A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’" - Claude Pepper
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Author Unknown
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
I saw a pig with laryngitis.
He was disgruntled.
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them