What would you get if you crossed a turkey with an evil spirit? A poultrygeist!
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Hey why Are The Viruses All Gone? Cause They "flu" AWAY.
I'm training to be an anesthetist, so I asked the head surgeon "Can I practice on my self first?"
He said "Sure, knock yourself out!"
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
“It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.”
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
It’s so hot Adam and Eve traded their fig leaves for ice cubes.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive'...
So I took her to a petrol station.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
Will invisible airplanes ever be a thing?
I just can't see them taking off.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”
Winston Churchill
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
"Bed in Summer"
In Winter I get up at night
And dress by yellow candle light.
In Summer, quite the other way,
I have to go to bed by day.
I have to go to bed and see
The birds still hopping on the tree,
Or hear the grown-up people’s feet
Still going past me in the street.
And does it not seem hard to you,
When all the sky is clear and blue,
And I should like so much to play,
To have to go to bed by day?
– Robert Louis Stevenson
How do elephants bathe?
With their trunks on.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
I came into the office early and switched as many M and N keys on keyboards as I could. Some might say I'm a monster...
But others will say nomster
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
Up to snow good.