What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
The beaver offered some freshly streamed buns to his guests.
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.
“It’s amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!” — Milton Berle
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
I'm like Rachmaninov...king of the romantic
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
What do you get when you cross a goblin, a stop sign, and immortality?
An everlasting gobstopper!
It's so cold that you might have to chop up the piano for firewood (although you’ll only get two chords).
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
What do you call a Blind Dinosaur's Dog? Do-ya-think-he-saurus-rex.
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
What do you call a dream when a vampire bat is chasing you?
A bat-mare.
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
You can stand under my umbrella.
I wish they’d change the scoring system, but tennis is set in its ways and doesn’t see the point.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What was the horse’s best ballroom dance? The Foxtrot.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
What do you get when you cross a pig and superman?
The Man of Squeal.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.