What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
"In every good marriage, it pays sometimes to be a little deaf." — Ruth Bader Ginsburg
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
I told my doctor I was paranoid my life was being filmed.
He told me to take one, action.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Your voice is so a-do-re-ble to mi
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.
My wife will never forget falling asleep in the sun with her breast exposed.
It’s forever burned in her mammary.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
“Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.” —Tom Snyder
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
"No eggs-cuses."
Are you crippling depression and anxiety? Because you haunt me at every waking hour.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oakham
Oakham who?
Oakham all ye faithfull!
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
My wife gets mad at me because I always take things literally.
The police get mad at me because that’s apparently considered “kleptomania.”
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!