I need to stop being such a numbskull.
What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,
Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
I always put my money in drums
Because it’s a sound investment.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
I love you more than the sun and moon
I loved you since you left the womb
I love you though you are quite hairy
And I never find it scary
Even when you pick your toes
My love for you only grows
(Anonymous)
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What do you get if cross a baseball player and a monster?
A double header.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
“Dear winter, I’m breaking up with you. I think it’s time I start seeing other seasons. Summer is hotter than you.”
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
“What’s worth doing is worth doing for money.” –Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas) Wall Street
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.