This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
"Having a good hare day."
"You make me egg-static."
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
"Most entrepreneurs would rather have root canal surgery without anesthesia than go through the nightmare that is tax return preparation."
— Nina Kaufman
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
I was watching an Australian cooking show recently and the audience began applauding when the chef made meringue. Which is odd because...
Australians usually boo meringue.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? Instagram.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
“Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer’s day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.”
- Gilbert K. Chesterton