A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
What do you call a storm that doesn't come to fruition?
A mist opportunity!
My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
How do you get a mouse to smile? Say cheese!
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
What do you call a cow with no legs at all? Ground beef
People really liked the new king's coronation day peach. He truly deserves the throne.
Can one tropical bird change a lightbulb?
No, but toucan.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
Irish cuisine is stew-pendous.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
Do you have any tape? Because I'm totally ripped.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What does a deer say when it prays to the god?
“Deer God!”
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown
The main difference between a dog and a basketball player is that one dribbles while the other one drools.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
My dog has expensive taste in shoes.
So I got her some Jimmy Chews.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
On Thanksgiving, why did the turkey cross the table?
To get to the other sides.
Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.