Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.

I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!

I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.

How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.

It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!

During the cold war all the countries involved went into hibernation.

Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.

How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion

What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!

What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.

“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”

- Ann Landers.

Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.

Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.

It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.

- Natasha Niemi

My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!

Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.

Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!

What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.

What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".

On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers

You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.

How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.

I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.

When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"

“What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally sh** myself lifeless.” – Bill Bryson

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.

Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.

If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot

Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.

Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg

What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.

What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!

What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.

How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.

I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.