Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed The Needy
Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
My eating utensils were forged from forged steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
What's the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner? The turKEY.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
The superconductor left without resistance.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Why was the ocean angry? Because the ocean didn't wave back.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
Life is better when we stick together.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.
Gnomes don’t understand jokes, they go right over their heads.
Two florists recently got married.
It was an arranged marriage.
My gay lover asked me if date night was optional.
I said no, it's a mandate
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.