What has no pants and screams like a bear? A bear.

Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.

What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”

What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.

“I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?”—Jean Illsley Clarke

What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!

Why was the bucket so embarrassed at the beach?
Because of how pail it was.

Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.

What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication

What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.

Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.

Why did the zombie take a sick day?
She had cold symp-tombs.

What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.

More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!

Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!

Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'

Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.

Why did the gorilla have to visit the vet?
He wasn't peeling well

"I always thought a yard was three feet, then I started mowing the lawn."
- C.E. Cowman

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.

What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.

I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.

What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.

What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.

I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”

Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.

What do you call Ryan Gosling in a mummy costume? Ryan Gauzeling.

Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.

I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.

What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.

“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”

- Buddy Hacket

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!

Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.

Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.

Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.

Who's a witch's favorite movie director?
Steven Spellberg.

What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!

How many grammar cops does it take to change a light bulb?
Too.

My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.

Baby, you're just like water ...
Except Jesus turned you into fine.

Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.