The calm before the score

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

Your pace or mine?

What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.

Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.

Where do rabbits learn how to fly? In the hare force!

Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!

The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.

Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.

What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Butter

Butter who?

Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud

“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers

Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!

I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss

Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.

I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.

I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.

Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”

Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.

Have you botany plants lately?

How come there are no automatic cars in Spain?
They’re all Manuel.

You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.

Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.

What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!

Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.

A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Broccoli.
Broccoli who?
Broccoli doesn't have a last name, silly.

Dustin and Jane (both blonds) were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby had come to an end.
The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “What ever possessed you to study Russian?”
The couple said proudly, “We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”

If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.

Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.

What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.

What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.

When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.

What do bees use to build roads? Nec-tar.

I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side

I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.

What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!

I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!

I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!

Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?

(Laura Loo)

Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.

If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.