SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
What kind of button won't unbutton? A bellybutton!
Robviously, I couldn’t help but ask you out
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
Baby, you're so sweet you'd put Hershey's out of business!
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What do you call a guy who never farts in public? A private tutor.
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by you again?
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
If I told you I worked at Home Depot, would you let me handle your tool?
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
I wish I was Tim Horton's coffee…So I could get close to your lips.
Can February March? No. But April May.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I would really love to run away with you.
My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
Where do spiders play football?
Webley Stadium.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
What happens when a koala drinks too much alcohol? He gets a bear gut.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
Q. What's a computer geek's favourite snack?
A. Microchips.