My pen ran out of ink and an ink fairy in the shape of a squid appeared. He said if I let him eat my dinner of shrimp he'd help me out by giving me some ink. The deal smelled kind of fishy, but I needed to finish my homework.
So we did it squid pro quo.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
Pilots would be very hard to beat in a competition, they are always ready for a-rrival.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What exam do young witches have to pass? A spell-ing test!
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
"If I knew I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself." —Mickey Mantle
The storm suppose to knock out the power, but your eyes have all the electricity I need.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
“Welcome, winter. Your late dawns and chilled breath make me lazy, but I love you nonetheless. ” — Terri Guillemets
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What does a bankrupt frog say?
Baroke, baroke, baroke.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
What did the pig say to his friend who had been cheated upon?
Please don't go bacon this relationship.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
Something’s goat to give.
We like to paddy.
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.