Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
It was mitten in the stars.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
If you were a vegetable you'd be a cutecumber.
What do you call a snowman on rollerblades?
A snowmobile.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
What did the outraged female deer say to the mule?
How deer you!
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Hey girl, I'd swim across the ocean just to see you smile.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What do you call a food stamp inside of a burrito? An otter fortune cookie
I whisper my sins to crows
So my parents can't hear me confess to a murder
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
If I told you you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
“It’s funny how your parents tell you it’s their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.”—Unknown
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
“Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.” - Taylor Meade
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
“Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?"
~ J. Paul Getty
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call a waffle laying on a beach?
Sandy eggo.
What do you get when you mix a sheep and a kangaroo
A wooly jumper
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"